Roberta's

http://gothamist.com/2012/09/22/photos_bill_hillary_clinton_went_to.php

This is a news item that Jordan sent to me last week. Evidently Bill and Hillary dined at Roberta's in Bushwick where Jordan and Meredith's wedding party (drinks, dinner and dancing) will happen on November 10th!!

I've been there - the food is amazing and it is a very unique and special setting...just like these two wonderful young women!!

The party will be in the outdoor garden and I know it will be just lovely....

Motto for Life

I'm not sure that this is the right order for this list of how to 'be' in life...but, it has been working for me so far!!

Simple Life

Ahhhhhhh...if only life were really THIS simple!

 

OK, You GOT me!!

 I am definitely weird and sometimes random!!

inner peace

There are so many gimmicks, therapy models, philosophies, advice online, theories and strategies for gaining inner peace.  I think I like this one the best...

Thank you Gandhi!!

kindness

 

I try.  I really do. Sometimes it is very, very hard!

Saturday

Household chores, lunch with friends, weekend errands, time at the dog park...it is a good day today!

Even though my day is filled with mostly mundane activities...I choose, today, to rejoice!

Holly's Follies

Sometimes I get distracted.  I don't really know what I am being distracted by...just my won thoughts and not even especially deep or meaningful thoughts...just rambling musings in my head.

I have a pretty mundane morning routine.  Drag myself out of bed.  Take the dogs for a walk, feed them.  Drink a few glasses of water while I check email and play a few mindless games of Scramble or Words with Friends, have some coffee, eat some yogurt or a granola bar and then begin to get ready for work.

I have a quick shower, dress and am off!

Earlier this week I was in the shower and the phone rang. My phone NEVER rings at 5:45am so I got out of the shower quickly to answer it worrying that it was some kind of emergency or another.  Nope - just a good friend from the East Coast forgetting about the three hour time difference. We had a leisurely chat.  I got dressed and hopped in the car to drive to work.  Just before getting on the freeway I realized  my head felt itchy.  I reached up to scratch the offending spot and was shocked to have my hand come away covered in soap suds.  YUP!  I had been mid shampoo when I jumped out of the shower, before rinsing off my head, to answer the damn phone!

People might find this incredible, but I have very, very short and fine hair and try to pay as little attention to it as possible so as not to dwell on yet another 'side effect' of cancer and its treatment.  Sighing deeply and laughing at myself at the same time - I turned the car around.

The following morning I reached for the toothpaste (which is a foaming kind in a sort of canister rather than a tube) and squirted it onto the toothbrush.  I nearly choked to death when I tasted the awful toothpaste!  I had squirted my new deodorant on the toothbrush instead of the toothpaste! 

Maybe I should change up my routine a bit and have TWO cups of coffee!

today...this is enough

...we only have today...

embracing life

I am embracing life fully these days and trying to do that at a slower pace.  I find I get embroiled in all sorts of dramas.  Real and imagined.  Like the drama on Friday with the DIRECTV man.  He came on time (remarkable in and of itself) and proceeded to review my order.  i was changing TV providers based on a few variables - cost savings, higher quality picture, better customer service and the fact that DISH Network cancelled AMC which has some of my favorite shows, among them "MAD MEN"!!

Then things deteriaorated quickly.  He told me that if I wanted a separate 'box' in the upstairs bedroom I would have to pay $400.  WHAAT??  DIRECTV never told me that. He would do it for me (on the side) for $175!!  I gaped at him in disbelief.  He suggested I call DIRECTV and get a quote, but if I did that he could no longer 'work with me' to get me what I wanted.  No longer would the 'deal' be 'between us'.  I was tired, hassled from a long and stressful week at work and did not want to spend the weekend with no TV service.  I had cancelled DISH the minute the guy showed up and was on the roof installing the new satellite dish.  So - like the gullible sucker I can sometimes be, I got in my car, drove to the closest ATM and got the cash he required to complete the job.  SIGH!

As I was complaining to the kids later that evening, they both reminded me NOT to get so upset. Yes, it was a crappy encounter, but after all - we're just talking about TV!!  Not anything important.  They have a better perspective than I on many things.  By switching providers I inadvertently impacted my daughter's use of my HBO Go account. Not sure how it works because the girls don't have a TV.  They watch shows on their laptops. But somehow since I had HBO Go, Jordan could log onto my account (from NYC) and watch, at no cost, her favorite shows.  I felt bad that I'd done that to her. I didn't know DIRECTV doesn't support ROKU!!  UGH!!

So...I planned a quiet weekend for myself to really try to relax a bit.  So far, so good. I turned down some invitations and have been enjoying time alone and with my pups.  I got up early today, while it is still cool out, and began to make a big pot of Boston Baked Beans. I'll share them later in the week with Nat when he comes for his weekly visit with Mom.  He's promised to grill some hot dogs for us.  (I hate the grill).  I will really miss these weekly visits when he moves to New York after the holidays.

Meanwhile, I am focused on all things wedding...

on my desk at work!!

we are dog people

Just so it is on the record:  I AM NOT THE ONLY DOG CRAZY PERSON IN MY FAMILY!!

the dogs in Nat's life

The only one missing is Sophie (Laura's pup ((stepmom)).  Nat said he didn't have a good snap of her...

a bit of the doldrums...

I'm not depressed.  I'm not unhappy.  I'm simply in one of those spaces that is quiet. Sailors call it the doldrums.  Clear sky, calm sea and a chance to look around and see what's really there. But, if it lasts too long...there's the chance of feeling  or really being 'stuck'.  Not stuck yet and really hoping not to get stuck.

Jordan's life is settling beautifully.  She and Meredith will be married in less than 60 days and their 'legal' life together will truly begin. The next chapter for me - having a married daughter.

Nathaniel also has a serious relationship and is planning frequent travel to NY to be with his girl.  I am happy for him, for her, for them...why couldn't she live here??  He also says that he is planning a permanent move to NY after Christmas.  I have come to count on him a great deal over the years.  He is a fun guy to hang out with and we usually get together once a week or so for dinner (a chance to do laundry at home for him), and a chance to get his help with various projects that I have a hard time doing by myself for me.  I have cherished this time with him and really missed it over the summer when his girl was in town.

All these things are right and good and as they should be.  I wouldn't really want it any other way. My biggest goal in life is for my children to be happy and healthy and they are well on their way in achieving both goals and I am proud of them and so happy.

What is next for me?  I work (and I love my work).  I have my little town home and with the remodels I now LOVE spending time at home.  I have two busy, happy dogs.  I have dear friends whom I never seem to get enough time with mainly because of their busy lives.  I am healthy and am SO grateful to be able to say that.  I am within reach of my goal weight.  I have a bit left over at the end of each pay period and am not losing as much sleep as I have in the past with worrying about $$. 

When I look down the road at the future (I'll be 57 next month!) I am not sure what it will hold...

messy or neat??

Ask anyone - I am a tidy person. Sure there is disorder in my closets and sort of in my garage, but generally everything has its place and I know how to find most things in a flash!  It's weird, but I just seem to 'know' where things should go and how to maximize space and create a peaceful and orderly environment.  I would like to be a bit more relaxed about this type of thing and I have tried hard over the years to let go of some of my need for control...but, it is what it is.

I think this orderliness comes from having been raised in a military family.  Everything was precise.  It was also probably a survival tool for my mom.  My father was away a lot and she was left to raise three children, virtually alone, and most times in a place that was not 'home' for her.  There were LOTS of rules!

One of the rules was that as soon as your feet hit the floor in the morning you were to turn around and make your bed.  I don't mean just throw the quilt over the sheets and pillows; I mean hospital corners and passing muster.   I didn't mind making my bed.  What I did hate was the rule that once the bed was made you were not allowed to sit on it!  God forbid you should leave a rumple or a wrinkle in the freshly made bed!!

For kids, beds are their kingdom.  Bed is were you sit and play fort or lay and daydream, listen to music, read or do homework.  Your bed becomes your castle, your magic carpet, your 'safe place', YOUR spot in the house!  Not so in my family of origin.  Bed was for sleeping - period!

I wasn't so strict with my own children but both learned to make their beds early on and are proficient at the task.  They didn't have to jump up and make the bed first thing, but it didn't have to be done before leaving the house for school or other activities.  They could sit on the bed, play on the bed, do what they wanted on the bed...after all...it was their own bed!

For awhile (not sure how long) I stopped making my own bed.  Who cared?  No one saw my room?  I kind of liked crawling into the mussed sheets and twisted covers at the end of the day and making my nest.  Actually though, when I think about it, I am a fairly neat and tranquil sleeper. When I awake it is easy to give a quick 'fluff' to the bedclothes and the bed is 'made'.  But recently I began to crave the sensation of seeing a crisp and tidy bed await me at the end of the day.  And, going off to work in the mornings I like to envision my little home with everything in place.  Dishes done, everything put away and the bed all nice and tidy. I think this is all a part of getting better taking care of myself.  Or else - it is simply crazy behavior!  Who knows!!

Which is more appealing??

neat bed

messy bed

DISH vs DIRECT??

I abhor cable and satellite companies. I always feel like I am being taken advantage of somehow.  I feel like their services are purposely not made clear to consumers.  There seems to be a big 'bait and switch' philosophy.  It is very complicated to change service providers, time consuming, annoying and pricey.

But, when I shared with my son that I could no longer 'tape' some of my favorite shows including (MAD MEN), he told me that DISH had cancelled their contract with AMC programming!!  Why didn't this company, to whom I pay over $100 a month, inform me about this change? 

First thing today I called DIRECT TV.  What a pleasant customer service experience - cordial, helpful and speedy.  I signed up.  I already have a date scheduled in a time frame that I can manage and it is a nearly 50% savings monthly!! (BEST PART).

I hardly watch TV but I do like to record shows and then watch them on weekends while I am making jewelry, doing laundry, knitting or playing on my iPad!!

five years...sigh

I think that I should be celebrating this occasion - five years from the completion of my treatment for breast cancer. LABOR DAY WEEKEND!   And yet, I feel far from celebratory.  For in life, I find, important occasions are so often mixed with good and bad, with happy and sad.  This occasion is no exception.

You know the feeling - joy at a child's birth into the family and sadness that the beloved grandparent is no longer alive to share in the experience.  Graduations, birthdays, weddings (joyous events) are all opportunities to experience this particularly exquisite kind of melancholy.

And, as much as I HAVE 'moved on' in my life, as much joy and love as I experience every day, as much as I celebrate life and living, as much as I am surrounded and enfolded by those whom I love and those who love me right back...I have a tender wound that I allowed to surface this weekend...the pain of the weekend five years ago that the man whom I had thought would be my life partner announced that he had been 'seeing' someone and they were serious and would be getting married. 

I do not dwell on this pain.  In some ways it seems only fair and right in the universe that I should have been summarily 'dumped' in this manner.  After all, I left my marriage after promising before God and those I love that it would be always and forever.  Inside our wedding bands we had engraved 'to love and to cherish'.  I failed miserably at that task. 

The bittersweet balance of the sheer relief and happiness at coming to end of cancer treatment interposed with the abject sorrow and pain of 'being left' will always be conjoined in my memory, in my soul.

I am now able to be glad that I had my marriage and my long term (14 yr) love affair and I can see the wisdom of both having ended.  Neither would I choose if living life over again...the ending parts, I mean!  But, I have grown from all the blessings of both and the hard learning that accompanied my relationships with these two men.  I am grateful for the friendship and forgiveness of my former husband and I bear no ill will against the other man.  He is limited in some of the same ways that I recognize as some of my own limitations. 

Learning how to be alone and joyful and to enjoy my own rhythms, my own company, my solitude and my sometimes (though not often!) quieter (and definitely drama free) life has been challenging but good.  I have more space in my heart...AND my closets!!  I feel calm inside.  I can eat cottage cheese and Doritos for dinner if I want.  I can spend all my energy on my work, my dogs, my community, my church, my friends and I don't have to 'answer' to anyone.  I am much happier than so very many of friends and colleagues who are in relationship with a partner. 

Do I get lonesome at times?  YES!  Do I want to be married every again?  NO!  Do I want a fling?  NO!  Do I want a long term love relationship?  UM,,,maybe, maybe not...not really sure about that.

catching up!

Last week was crazy busy at work and I had no extra time or energy to make a blog entry. I was determined to SLOW down on this holiday weekend so I took an extra day off (Tuesday).  I spent the past two nights at the home of my dear friend Olga.  Others joined us for festive BBQ on Saturday evening. Our dogs got along really well.  I was relieved about this because when I first adopted Skipper I brought her (along with Matilda) to meet my God- dog (Scout) - Olga's pup and terrible fighting ensued  We had to leave after about 10 minutes.  I think my mistake was that I'd not really had Skipper long enough for her to know that home is home and we were just on a visit. At any rate - they all played very nicely together. 

If the dogs could use my phone they would have taken a snap of ME doing THIS...

relaxing at Olga's

Tomorrow I'll do all the chores I've been avoiding, get my car serviced and then take advantage of a Groupon Deal: organic body mask scrub, scalp massage, 50-minute hot oil massage and foot reflexology all for $79!!