trying so very, very hard to be positive (by that i mean negative!)

 i work steadily to maintain a very, very tricky balance in my inner and outer lives...i work really hard to be 'positive' but what i really mean is to be 'negative" - negative in all things breast cancer...because only when the test results, exam, screening, blood work, etc come back negative can one feel truly positive...see how very confusing this all gets...and then for MY kind of breast cancer TRIPLE NEGATIVE...whoo hoo one might think, but ah no...triple negative is BAD...the most aggressive, the most likely to return, the most difficult to treat, to keep at bay....

and so i often find myself stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place...i want to live honestly...but do i share every time there is a 'bump' in the road in this healing process....? if I did my friends and family would quickly desert me for fear of the future, for fear of being eaten up alive by this disease...by exhaustion from dealing with all the emotions.  i learned this lesson so well and deeply when the love of my life left me  midway through my cancer treatments...he could NOT deal, and i thought he would be better equipped than the average human being a physician and all...fool ME!

so now i sit, sometimes lay down, sometimes crawl under the blankets, some times stand up and shout lustily with all my power...bring it on...if the other shoe is going to drop...it better hit me right on the of the head and HARD so i know it's there and what i'm dealing with...other times, i think i've seen the shoe that has already dropped and i've quietly, surreptitiously pushed it under the bed hoping no one will notice - not even the shoe! not even me, maybe.  sshhhhhh...i am pretty sure that the shoe is there.  i see it's toebox and the curl of one of the laces....shhhhhhh...please don't wake it up...let it sleep as long as possible...keep sleeping shoe, sleep peacefully and for a very, very long time...please.

rainy days and reiki

reiki is fascinating to me and the more i learn about it the more skeptical and convinced i get at one and the same time..it is an odd balance to maintain.  my analytic brain says not to give credence to the phenomenon which i am experiencing....reiki is powerful and good.

yesterday i got credentialed as a reiki II practitioner.  i want to do reiki III in Sedona and reiki master training in Stonehenge....this is my plan.

wednesdays and wonderings

i find myself so needy of alone time that it gets me to wondering.  here i am, 54 years old, single, two grown children off on their own, a very small dog who requires precious little attention and yet i feel an increasing desire to be alone.

i'm extroverted to the extreme and ahve always found that being around other recharges my batteries, but for the past several months...honestly, since i finished treatment for breast cancer - i find i need more and more 'down time'.  i feel guilty because friends want to do fun things (which i am grateful for and really appreciate and am so happy that people want to spend time with me); and while i LOVE the IDEA of getting together for dinenr parties, drinks, evenings out, concerts, plays, walks, hikes...whatever....i just don't seem to have the 'juice' to do it.  i honestly don't know if this is a lack of emotional or a lack of physical energy....it may just be a time that i have to proceed through and trust that all will balance out...life usually does...it's funny that way!

recovering from friday

...seven, SEVEN 'end of life' consults yesterday....three with our doctor and the other four just Janet (the nurse) and me....

need i say more?  time to relax, recharge, rejuvenate, and realize just how very grateful i am to be able to do the work i do!

holly and the cute oncologist

Roberto has been an important part of my life since February of 2007.  He is smart, young, deeply compassionate (and did I say really good looking?) oncologist.  He has seen me through the worst of times during all my treatment and has stayed so available and so supportive.  I really appreciate him.  I really appreciate his honesty and his willingness to take time with me and patiently answers all my questions. 

Today I saw him for my routine 6 month follow-up.  We spoke about our parents, both of whom were recently diagnosed with lung CA.  His dad is doing fine.  My mom has died.  A year or so ago when my sweetheart left me...and Roberto had innocently asked after him during an office visit - he got slightly teary-eyed when I told him I had been 'left'.  He gallantly said that it was ok, I would be fine and that  I was better off without him!  Sounds like trite, hackeneyed things to tell someone, but I loved him for saying that to me!  Doctors rarely speak ill of other doctors!!

In my work now I see so many patients with cancer, dying of cancer - that it sometimes become quite difficult for me.  I mostly keep my emotions in check, maintain my professionalism - but I have to admit that once in a while it gets to me.  I get worried when I see someone whose history is too much like my own for my comfort zone. 

I've seen quite a few breast cancer patients over these past several months and a large number of them seem to have serious heart disease which is even more life-threatening than the original cancer.  I started paying close attention to their treatment regimen and which  chemotherapy agent they had received.  Yup, yes indeedy...they had all received the "RED DEVIL" - adriamycin/doxorubicin...the same as I had.

I had naively thought that the risk of cardiomyopathy from this chemo was more of an acute risk...turns out, the lovely Roberto told me today, that there are now documetned cases of many more late onset complications...up to 30 years after treatment even. UGH.  When I asked him what I could do to lower my risk, he smiled gently and said firmly - develop daily habits that support good cardiac health.  Take a baby aspirin daily, exercise, follow a lowfat diet and lose weight (if you can).  I thanked him and promised I would try.  Then he said, "You know...you can only do what you can do and given the situation with the aggressive nature of your cancer...we had to use the strongest agents we could to give you the best chance of survival."  I thanked him again and said I'd look forward to seeing him again in 6 months.

great weekend!

wow - what a nice weekend.  Friday evening was all about relaxing.  i decided, though, that i've had it with the dismal, dreary foreign films.  i had rented about 6 of them and i am done for now. 

Saturday brought lots of fun - first with Becky who invited me to join her (and Bailey) for a performance of "Freedom Song" - an incredible musical performed by Jewish people who are in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction.  it was powerful and poignant and i loved it becuase Becky's 'Greg' had a starring role. 

Becky, Michelle and i grabbed a great lunch on Ventura Blvd.  how wonderful to sit in the sun with girlfriends, eating and chatting. i loved it. 

i spent the rest of the day struggling to put together Matilda's new house and was finally successful.  it looks great and she seems to like it. here's a picture of the completed house!!

Sunday, Nat and i went to St. James' and then on to El Cholo for quesadillas, tacos and enchiladas.  YUM!!!!  Nat hung out with me for the rest of the day and we watched "Up".  i was totally underwhelmed and do not understand what all the hoopla was about.  maybe i was just in the wrong frame of mind....

new beginnings

it seems that though my life has been rather 'fraught' lately...there is a promise of new beginnings right around the corner....

the road ahead

i have been spending a lot of time and energy on looking back...remembering family times growing up, the many many moves we made as a Navy family.  the moving created endless opportunities for me to re-create myself.  i remember at one school i seriously told people that my name was Hollis.  i thought Holly was too silly of a name. people actually believed me...imagine how embarrassed i was to finally have to tell people my name was NOT Hollis!

part of why i have been looking back is to find and cherish positive experiences from my family of origin.  it was not a very happy family; filled with turmoil and upset and dysfunction. it is the reason i became a social worker.  i really believed that from my own woundedness could come new life, wholeness and blessings for others and for myself.  i had many positive influences along the way - from school and from church...one of my most important teachers was Henri Nouwen, a now dead Dutch theologian.  he taught a wonderful course at Divinity School called "Compassion".  he has written extensively; but my favorite book of his is "The Wounded Healer"...which became kind of a mantra for me over the years...

life reflection and contemplation is a natural part of the grieving process and i find myself entirely giving way to that.  i can't quite look ahead or beyond at this point...but, in time; i will.

HE IS RISEN!

He is Risen!  The Lord is Risen indeed!  Alleluia!

Happy Easter

I spent several very pleasant hours with my dear friend, Cathy, yesterday afternoon.  Cathy was hugely pregnant with twin girls when we first met in 1991.   I had a 2 year old and a 7 year old.  My 7 year old went on to become the first babysitter for 'the girls' as we called them.  Cathy and I were next door neighbors then.  We have seen each other through many of the trials, tribulations and joys of life since that time.  For me, spending time with her is always like being at home.

Every year, since the kids were little, we gathered at one or the other's home to dye Easter eggs.  As the years went on all of the kids (well not so much Nat....mostly the 3 girls) got fairly competitive with their egg dying skills.  Magical designs, splendid gradations of color and even plaid eggs were created...it was amazing.  The best part (and Nat DID love this the most!) was the end, when we would bring all the little cups of dye into the kitchen, and on the signal of 1 -2 -3...would pour out the colors into the sink.  We oohed and aahed over the wondrous glorious mixing and merging of colors...hence...the grand tradition was born - the 'pouring of the glorious colors'. 

Yesterday - Cathy and I did it all by ourselves and we had such fun.  As usual, the best was the last and this year, with no little people for US to compete with...we spent lots of time just looking at and enjoying the colors...spots, patterns, swirls...and they were glorious colors indeed!

Today was even more glorious with the fantastic music and service at St. James' Wilshire.  I had the great pleasure of worshiping there this morning and being welcomed 'home' by so many.  Nat was happy to be there as well...though all the remarks about how much he resembles his dad...weren't all that appreciated...he kept saying, "But I have more HAIR!!"

Nat and I enjoyed an early brunch in Larchmont Village, a stroll through the Farmer's Market where I bought some gorgeous roses, an aromatic jasmine and black pepper candle, some pretzel bread and had a lovely little chat with 'Mohinder' from Heroes...he is even cuter in real life...

The day holds still more joy - a festive luncheon at Betsy and Ed's and a chance to meet Becky's Greg for the first time. 

Easter is a wonderful gift.  I hope each of you finds joy today in opening the gift of new life....celebrate in love!

The Triduum

Easter Triduum, Holy Triduum, or Paschal Triduum is the three day period between Holy (or Maundy) Thursday...not MONDAY THURSDAY which I thought it was when I was a kid...when the church is silent, waiting and watching, praying and hoping that Easter will come...like the women at the tombstone waiting for Jesus' resurrection, like the disciples in the Upper Room, waiting; like a woman pregnant and waiting for delivery...we wait for goodness.

I find myself in this mindset all too often, waiting for the next good or bad thing to happen.  And then...I miss out on all that is happening in the 'in between' times.  For these moments are also gifts.  These times are also to be treasured.

So now, I try to live and celebrate in the 'in between'....join me!