love and support

i don't know why there is this outpouring of love, compassion, prayer and support from so many....but i do know that i am so grateful for all the words of comfort, the calls of consolation and the gestures of love and understanding....

this gorgeous bouquet came yesterday from my department at work.  it had even more beautiful roses and orchids, but i plucked a few to put in little vases around the house so that each room i enter brings me a reminder that the world (my world) is full of love.

i  need those reminders right now.  i tried this morning to sort through mom's clothes and personal belongings to see what i could donate.  i love the idea of someone walking around LA in my mom's cozy sweater or her funny little hat she liked to wear...but after i emptied the drawers and piled everything of the bed to sort through, i had to leave.

maybe tomorrow i can do it.  if she has this much stuff in my house where she lived for only three months...imagine what her home in Southwick is going to look like...THAT makes me really nervous...but at least my brothers and my daughter and maybe a friend or two will be there to help. and then we will have to divide things and arrange for packing and shipping...o my...sigh.

It begins today

How does one approach grief? mourning?  I wish we lived in a time where the world would stop after the death of a loved one.  No one would expect that you would be ready to go back to life as usual after 3 days of "bereavement leave".  Three days?  To mourn a lifetime??  I wish I could wear a black armband so people at Ralph's and Target and the gas station would be kinder to me and the Starbucks gal wouldn't say cheery things like "Have a great day"!

I wish people would come to my home and sit and talk and bring comfort foods and my whole family would be gathered round sharing stories and grieving together.

I do have many friends and they have all offered to "do whatever" they can or I need.  The trouble is - I don't KNOW what I need. 

I don't want to deal with all the grown-up stuff of wills, arrangements, trusts, disposition of property. I don't like it that my two brothers live so far away and my daughter is in NY and that I don't have a life partner to stand by me through this.  I don't like it that my mother's specific instructions were "NO SERVICES", "NO FUNERAL", "NO MEMORIAL"...for I need those things, those rituals are for those left behind, not for the one in heaven.  But...I promised her, so there will be no services.

Just quiet, confusing and complicated grief.  And then...I will return to my daily work of helping other families prepare for this reality in their own lives.

Deep and abiding faith is a comfort to me and I do believe that my mom is finally at peace....after a lifetime of hurt and anger, confusion and bitterness and o so much loneliness.  She did not die alone...I was by her side and my brothers had come just days before to laugh with her and love her.  She was surrounded by angels and now she joins the company of the saints in heaven.  When I asked her that last morning if she was excited to see my dad....she said that would be nice, but the first person she would be looking for would be her beloved father and then brothers; she was the baby of the family and they rarely called her by name "Ruthie" they called her "Babe".  All of them are waiting for her and I hope and pray she is surrounded and uplifted by their love for her...their "Babe"; my mom.

RUTH ALYCE HAMEL HAMLETT

February 24, 1932 - February 25, 2010

Deliver your servant, Ruth, O Sovereign Lord Christ, from all evil, and set her free from every bond; that she may rest with all your saints in the eternal habitations; where with the Father and the Holy Spirit you live and reign, one God, for ever and ever.

Depart, O Christian soul, out of this world;

In the name of God the Father Almighty who created you;

In the name of Jesus Christ who redeemed you; 

In the name of the Holy Spirit who sanctifies you.

May your rest be this day in peace,

        and your dwelling place in the Paradise of God.

Almighty God, our Father in heaven, before whom live all who die in the Lord:  Receive our sister Ruth into the courts of your heavenly dwelling place.  Let her heart and soul now ring out in joy to you, O Lord, the living God, and the God of those who live.

Into your hands, O Lord,

we commend our sister Ruth.

Happy Birthday dear Mom!

Today my mom turns 78 years old!  She was born on a snowy winter night at 7pm at home in West Springfield, Massachusetts.  It was so snowy that the doctor couldn't get there so my grandfather had to help my grandmother deliver the baby.  Luckily for them all - it was their 7th child so they knew a bit about what they were doing!

Her siblings Pearl, William (Bill), Clifford (Chic), Enah (Enie), Leo and Doris (Dot) preceded her.  Her parents were Alice Eulalie Desrosiers and William Napoleon Hamel.  Only Pearl, Doris and my mom "Ruthie" are still alive...

This picture is of her just a few days ago enjoying time with her three kids...Holly (CA), Tim (FL) and David (MD). She also has five grandchildren....Jordan (NY), Ian (MA), Nathaniel (CA), DJ(MD) and Tyler(MD).

WE LOVE YOU MOM!!

my head is full of brothers

up at 3am to say good bye to Tim who is heading back to FL...David will be gone mid-day today.  the house will seem strangely quiet when i get home from work today.  it has been filled with lots of male energy this weekend...David, Tim and Nat...all of whom are noteworthy cooks...Matilda, Mom and I are on our own now...

Fridays, Families, Fun, Fears

my younger brother has been visiting this week.  he's here spending important time with our mother.  my other brother arrives tomorrow.  i don't really remember when the last time all the members of my family of origin were together...

reiki

some of you will, no doubt, think this is all a bunch of 'hooey'...but for the rest, i will tell you about my recent experience with reiki.  when i was going through chemo and radiation treatment i found that the reiki sessions at my local cancer support center were a wonderful healing experience. 

reiki is energy work.  sometimes the reiki practitioner actually lays hands on the recipient, but many times the hands simply hover over the recipient transferring energy into that person.  it's not the practitioner's energy; it's the energy of the universe.

when i lived in CT is when i first expereinced reiki.  it was with a group of women therapists and body workers.  we would meet from time to time at someone's home and share our experiences of being women, moms, wives, daughters and therapists....not talk about our patients or clients - but about the transforming expriences within ourselves as a result of the kind of healing work we were engaged in.  one woman said she was a witch, another a reiki therapist and i was the 'straight, boring, kind of "mainline" traditionally trained psychotherapist in  the bunch!

the reiki practitioner gave each of us healing sessions when we wanted it and it was always a lovely and positive experience. 

i've been studying and learning more about reiki and had an opportunity to solidify that interest by taking some training courses.  i am now certified as a Reiki One practitioner.  i had my 'attunement' with six Reiki Masters (in this instance they were actually 'mistresses') but that's a technicality. 

i've been practicing  reiki on myself daily and on Matilda (she's as cool and weird as ever) and even tried with Nathaniel who tried not to giggle and said that he was sorry - he didn't 'feel' anything,  we learn in reiki that 'not feeling anything' is perfectly acceptable - it does not constitute failure on anyone's part.

so...i share with you my daily reiki prayer....

"for today, i will be grateful for all things

for today, i will not worry

for today, i will not anger

i will do my work honestly

i will show love and respoect to all living beings"

it's thursday...woohoo

This is my message to myself (and you!) for today....

not inspired...just very tired

ho hum...no energy, no 'umph'...no get up and go....just tired, achingly tired....