planning for the VISITATION

I know everyone is as excited as I am to learn that none other than Dr. Choue Chung Won will be coming to LA in March and I get to help plan a party for him! He is the President of the Global Cooperation Society International ( the org that sponsored my trip to Korea) and also the President of the International Tae Kwon Do Federation!

So after a long, long week a dedicated few gathered on Friday evening and enjoyed some local Armenian cuisine and planned out the details for the event.

Korea ROCKS!

Also - for you bloggers or creative folk out there..check out OWOH (One World One Heart). My friend and sister blogger, Barb, turned me onto this...artists from all around the globe are joining in a great big give-away of their creations...it is so much fun....a kind of cyber swapmeet with no money exchanged - the creative energy out there is simply breathtakingly amazing...celebrate!

mayo and coffee...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of
coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children,
your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still
be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
and your car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. If you put the sand into
the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner
out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the
house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about.

I JUST DID.

lemonade

well...the bad news came today - my house appraised for far less than it has in the past - therefore, despite great credit and full approval - no refi in my future....i also called AIG Valic to try to renegotiate the terms of my "loan" to myself that i took from my retirement account in 2007 to support myself during my cancer treatment - guess what! non-negotiable terms. cannot extend the life of the loan or reduce the killer monthly payments of $1096.21. so,(i might even have to cancel home phone service and discontinue cable....have already 'fired' the cleaning service i use once a month who were kind enough to clean for me for free while i was sick)...certain people were right - I should not have bought the MINI. but the lemonade is...if i don't go bankrupt, die or lose my job for the next five years...i will have paid off the "loan", and the MINI and i will be officially 5 years CANCER-FREE!!!! and will be able (once again) to eat out, get a massage, go to a movie, pledge a higher amount to my church,get my hair colored by a professional (instead of over the kitchen sink - yuck), give my children nice gifts for b-days and Christmas...and maybe even take a trip to Western Mass to visit my dear mother whom I miss and haven't seen in a lot of years...



hey - can i add VODKA to the lemonade??? i might enjoy it more!

MB4L

My Bridge for Life is a unique 'personal journey' approach to life with cancer created by four really talented people who formerly worked at Disney. They all felt a yearning to do something other than just make money and when one of them was diagnosed with thyroid cancer 5 years ago - an idea was born. They have initiated this program with about 100 folks so far and I joined the process last night at We Spark (my local cancer support organization). It seems there are four phases that have been identified: diagnosis, treatment, recovery and wellness. Being 16 months post-treatment puts me smack into the recovery phase. The idea is to develop a personal resource guide and also journal of the whole process. Last night we were to bring with us a picture of something inspirational. I brought the wonderful painting by Georgia O'Keefe of t 'Hills Near Abiqiui'. I have always loved this particular painting because to me it looks like an old woman, lying on her side with her arm and hipbones and thigh in the foreground and the fluffy white clouds as her hair.

Pea Soup and Girl Talk

Last evening was sweetly fun...starting with a delicious Brie and French bread followed by an elegantly tasty Pea Soup, a salad of greens with toasted pecans dressed with a champagne vinegarette that Carol made. The lovely 'eaties' were topped off by a densely rich chocolate brownie highlighted by vanilla bean ice cream thanks to Chef Shoshana....and then we got down to it and played wild games of Boggle. A great and lovely night! Thanks gals...

Today - a leisurely morning, the annual meeting at St. Stephen's and then the fun of seeing "The Wrestler" with my baby boy...I love weekends.

I do miss the girls though - Jordan, Meredith and the intrepid traveler Sprout!

footnote to "L"

It was on Thanksgiving Day 2008 that your boyfriend broke up with me by announcing that he had replaced me with you. Just wanted to make sure you had the timetable straight...enough said about all that. End of story. Not to worry....all is well. Best of luck to you dear.

I appraised the appraiser

The house appraiser came today to make drawings, take pictures and determine what my house is worth. I am trying to refinance to combine my HELOC and first mortgage at a lower interest rate...isn't everyone doing that these days?? I REALLY hope he will give a value that will allow me to do this...no sense worrying too much about it I guess....I was as nice as I could be, offered to hold the end of the measuring tape for him, admired a picture of his beagle puppy that he had as a screen saver on his cell phone, had coffee perking and candles lit to give the place that 'homey' feel (oops - I think that is if you are trying to sell..which I am not)...I feel really lucky to have this cute little cottage...and kind of proud that as a single woman who is a lowly social worker I can own a home..although I realize I don't OWN it - the bank does...and now I will owe more money than what I bought it for in 2003...and with a 30 year mortgage I guess that means it will be all paid for by the time I am 83! Hope I live that long and then that will be my kids' 'inheritance'...ah well...

a bumper crop

On the rainy drive home from work today (which was an ugly bumper to bumper to bumper) especially when one is shifting between first and second gear for 13 miles...I saw 8 MINI's...two blues (one with black racing stripes), one red - no stripes, two yellows (one convertible), one sleek gray, two creams/whites (but spotted by mud) and then there was me... and at each encounter the MINI drivers.. ( no..not Minnie Driver!) waved or gave a thumbs up to one another...it was the only entertainment available on a soggy LA drive on a Friday night....

jingles, jangles, bangles and peanut butter

I had some BLOG "consultation" last evening from three young adults whom I love and respect. They advised me that I am missing the point of a blog - it is NOT my personal diary...I thought it WAS!! I am supposed to write short, witty things, or post UTUBE things, or pictures or other interesting and maybe even esoteric items. I am not supposed to pour out my heart, share personal things or be too sad. I was encouraged to read lots of other blogs and get ideas from them - they particularly noted how cheerful and upbeat "Follow my Bliss" is - and I agree!!

So, starting today - I, Holly Blogger, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully excecute the Office of Responsible, Cheerful and Clever Blogger, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of Bloggerland.

an open letter to M's new girlfriend

hello L,

wow - i got quite an angry phone call from M on my drive home from work this afternoon. and, he tells me that you are an avid reader of my blog and that reading my blog has raised issues for you about how trustworthy he is (timing of our 'breakup' etc.) so - i want to express my apology for problems that have surfaced between the two of you related to things you have learned about M and me from my blog. he DID give you my blog address though, right??

M has instructed me that if i want to be friends with him i should not communicate with B or L or the sisters W and A. that is awfully hard to do when those people have been in your life for 13+ years...but, i will do my best to respect his wishes in that regard. although, if anyone in his family or any of our mutual friends (including those i came to know and love through our years together) contact me; iI will be glad of it. i do not cast friends, family or lovers aside so easily as some.

i don't know what else i should express at this point and i am very certain that M will disapprove of my posting tonight...but if you should find yourself wanting to be in touch...let me know.

What a day to be an American!!

How proud we are all of our new President! I was deeply moved to watch the Inauguration with co-workers cheering on as the profoundly memorable event unfolded.



Tonight Nat and I will watch the Inaugural Balls while enjoying homemade chili and cornbread! Tomorrow Meredith and Jordan return to LA for a last few hours before Jordan goes "home" to NYC...I will be sad. It has been so great to have her in California. I hate that she is so far away...I also hate that my mom is so far away...but I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Barack is in the WHITE House!!

Ordinations are NOT Ordinary!

Today a great guy form my church was ordained to the transitional diaconate. For those who are not Episcopalian, that means that he is on his way to becoming a priest. There is another category of deacons called permanent or vocational deacons...meaning that the plan is NOT to become a priest. There is a complicated explanation as to why some people move on to become priests ( for them the step as deacon is 'transitional' and others do not) but the 'simple' explanation is that the two roles are different vocations...now that word vocation is also a tricky one, theologically speaking...but that is stuff for a blog on another day...

So Cameron was ordained as a deacon today by the Assisting Bishop in LA - his name is Sergio. It was a great service, combining the Spanish speaking and the English speaking congregations which meant a fantastic fiesta following the church part. But what struck me today was the Gospel reading - a story about a couple of guys Philip and Nathaniel. There is this great story about when Philip found Nathaniel and told him about Jesus. It goes like this:

"...We have found him about whom Moses in the law and also the prophets wrote, Jesus son of Joseph from Nazareth." Nathaniel said to him, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" Philip said to him, "Come and see." When Jesus saw Nathaniel coming toward him, he said of him, "Here is truly an Israelite in whom there is no deceit!" Nathaniel asked him, "Where did you get to know me?" Jesus answered, "I saw you under the fig tree before Philip called you." Nathaniel replies, "Rabbi, you are the son of God! You are the King of Israel!" Jesus answered, "Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than these." And he said to him, "Very truly, I tell you, you will see heaven opened and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man."

Jesus wanted to know WHY Nathaniel believed. Why do you believe what you believe? Can you answer that question..even if it is only to yourself??? And maybe, even more central to the question is...will you come and see??

WRITE IT....

Write it on your heart
(by Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day,
and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.

KIMCHI and SOJU

This is a view of Seoul...and on Thursday night I might have thought I had been transported back in time to those wonderful two weeks in Korea. I was at a gathering of a local Korean American Association in "K"-town as it is called in Los Angeles. It was an important event - the induction of the the new Board of Directors of the organization and the installation of it's new President. In fine Korean style there were many ceremonies - songs, speeches, flag exchanges, gift giving and of course a banquet...and what a banquet it was...all of my favorites and some more "Westernized" dishes...like fried shrimp. I loved every moment and at one point I looked around the ballroom of the lavish hotel the event was held in and realized with a start that I was the one and only Anglo woman among the 300+ guests in the room. And while this was not such a strange experience in Seoul of course..I was only 13 miles from my own living room! You gotta love LA!!

Have To Have Faith

I am trying to live my life boldly and honestly and this is sometimes downright scary - like buying the new MINI - an extra financial burden that I most likely should NOT have taken on...not to mention that my kids can't drive it - how practical is that? It was a selfish and foolhardy act and now I am wondering if I should turn it in and get a 'junker' to see me through a few more years till I can get back on my feet financially...being sick in 2007 and not being able to work for many months has really taken it's toll on my financial stability - there is NONE now. I live paycheck to paycheck and have to 'rob Peter to pay Paul' more often than not....Really - what is a girl to do??

$$$$

How is it possible that I work so hard and have so little money? I don't think I spend frivolously. I don't have extravagant tastes. I have a reasonably well - paying job and yet...every month I am in a panic trying to meet basic bills. I don't get it. So this morning I am working on printing up copies of everything I owe - credit cards, mortgage, home equity loan, car loan, cell phone bills, insurances....and trying to see how I can possible make this all work...don't really know if I can. And I am so angry to be in a position like this at my age. It just doesn't seem right.

who knew?

that my garage floor is slanted out toward the driveway? i was excited when i got home last night that Nat was here - that meant an evening of eating leftovers for dinner and watching Heroes! what could be better? at some point int he evening i heard a funny noise and thought for a moment that someone might be climbing in through the upstairs bathroom window...but i listened again and didn't hear anything else. i forgot about it. this morning as i went to the garage to get kibble for Matilda's breakfast i noticed, with a start, that my mini-cooper had been trying to make an escape and was firmly lodged against the garage door. i got in and moved her back into position but when i inspected - there is damage to the rear bumper - not huge - but an indentation and paint scraped off right down to the metal..hence the noise i heard - metal scraping against metal.

lesson learned - always set the parking brake...even when you think you are on a flat surface!! poor little Pepper, poor Holly with her now scraped and dented mini.

this is fun...

So - I borrowed this from my friend Barb...cause I loved it so much....

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, a cocker spaniel my mom had gotten around Christmastime.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Hmmm, yesterday...but it was as I was laughing with friends during game night at my house!

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I love my handwriting - it is small, round and pretty.

4. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, one of each kind

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I am a good friend to have - so, YES!

6. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Uh - too often I think.

7. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Yes.

8. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Totally - let's go!

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Life.

10. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope.

11. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I know I am strong. 2007 proves it!

12. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Pistachio.

13.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I notice how well they listen.

14. RED OR PINK?
Always pink.

15. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I am lazy and have a hard time sticking to things.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My mom.

17. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I am barefoot.

18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Hash browns, eggs, bacon and cinnamon rolls that I made.

19 WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The sound of girls taking showers and getting packed up.

20.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Forest Green.

21.FAVORITE SMELLS?
Vanilla, garlic and clean sheets...not all together though.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My son.

23. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
ugh...Olympics??

24. HAIR COLOR?
Grey (really); but o so blonde.

25. EYE COLOR?
Brown

26. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No

27.FAVORITE FOOD?
Italian

28. SCARY MOVIES OR SAPPY ENDINGS?
I love thrillers.

29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Doubt

30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Pale green

31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter

32. HUGS OR KISSES?
Long warm, close hugs.

33. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Not a big dessert person.

34.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
"Leave the Building Quickly"...bought it accidentally on Amazon.

35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
The Japanese symbol for LOVE.

36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Jon and Kate plus 8.

37.FAVORITE SOUND?
Giggling children.

38. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Definitely the Beatles

39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME???
Korea or North Africa - don't know which is farther...I am bad at geography.

40.DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can knit.

41.WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
New Jersey...my body; New Mexico...my soul.


NOW IT IS YOUR TURN.....

Saturday

Yesterday was spent with a group of smart, funny and dedicated social work leaders.... the Board of the Society of Social Work Leadership in Healthcare (Southern California Chapter). I love social workers and it always amazes me how I wound up in such a perfect career - it's like the profession of social work was designed just for me!

Meredith, Jordan and I spent a great early evening at Color Me Mine...Jordan painted a bowl, Meredith a mug and I did a bud vase. We will see our results on Tuesday.

Today includes a quick trip to Ikea, grocery shopping and then finally taking down the Christmas tree. I would usually do it on the 7th but had to wait till the weekend for hlep from the youngsters. Nat is coming too.

Tonight we host another one of our famous game nights...made all the more fun by Becky, Matt and Carlos joining us...we hope Carlos won't be too tired - he's just returned form Cambodia.

on the 13th day of Christmas....

i call my 'true' love's house...and a 12 year old voice says - "o...hi...honey...it's for you" and honey says..."i can't talk with you, i'll call you later"and when I ask WHEN...he hangs up.....and so i call the "true" love's two young adult sons - each of whom says how much they love me and how good I have been to them throughout many years and what is going on with their dad, cause they don't get it...and since I have known them from the ages of 7 and 9...they ask me what is their father doing and how am I and what is happening ???? they tell me that "lin" or is it "lynne" ? or perhaps "lyne" ? or God knows what - cause it rhymes with SIN...is very nice and very young - they think maybe she is their age...they are not sure but they do know that their dad met her on Craigslist which is where I have sold or given away furniture and things.....and they think may be a suspect way of finding a girlfriend since they have each had more success by actually meeting people...and what is up with their dad anyway??? They want to know when they can visit in LA and how am I and how are Jordan and Nat with whom they have basically shared a childhood....they are ill at ease and nervous about their dad's 'adventures' and wonder if they can call me...and I assure the children that I will always be there..........they can come, visit, stay, crash, call, whatever and I am here....and they ask me why did my dad break up with you??? and I cry and tell them I don't know that answer...but assure them - I will love them always... and they are happy.

If you are from Massachusetts you know the refrain..Lynne, Lynne...City of Sin....God Bless The Baystate.

Dia de los Tres Reinos

Epiphany! 12th Night...Whatever you call it - it is a joyous tradition. Today I joined with some friends who had ordered a "rosca"...don't know if that is the right name...basically a ring shaped paster bread stuffed with candied fruit and yes - you guessed it - plastic baby dolls! This is a tradition in some cultures - and there were 8 babies in the rosca we enjoyed...the 8 lucky recipients have the pleasure of planning a party for the whole group on Feb 2nd. We decided to have a tostado party and I can't wait! Someone also brought spicy Mexican hot chocolate - a huge pot of it which was really delicious.

Sometime ya just gotta LOVE life in LA!

hi ho hi ho

...it's off to work i go....

RC

If you've ever been a Roman Catholic, dated a Roman Catholic, had a friend who is Roman Catholic, lived in the same town as a Roman Catholic and are at least 40 years old...go to see Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. You won't be disappointed.

what a difference a day makes

Or in my case - a week or so....feeling great this morning! a first in about a week that I awoke ready to face the day...not a very challenging day to be sure - laundry, a bit of grocery shopping, paying bills etc...but a day that I feel ready to embrace nonetheless...and that feels GOOD.

It is my friend Barb's birthday today. Happy B- Day girl! If you check on the right side of my blog page you'll see some of the other blogs that I follow regularly and hers is "Follow my Bliss". I feel somewhat 'territorial' about her blog - I am so proud of her and the great job she is doing with it. It was at our recent dinner and game night that Barb decided to begin her blog. I guess she figured if "Holly" can do it - so can I and she is so right. Barb and I became friends when our daughters became friends while at Smith College. How weird is it that Jordan (my daughter) and Aria (Barb's daughter) had to travel to Northampton to meet one another when in reality our families lives in Long Beach and North Hollywood? I love that stuff like this happens. We also have second children about the same age - Athena (Barb's) and Nathaniel (mine).

My friend Carol rescued me yesterday from the doldrums and we went to see Slumdog Millionaire. Not a movie for the faint of heart. It was powerful and beautifully done except for the weird dancing scene outake at the end. I still need to see "Doubt" before my holiday movie spree is complete:

• Frost/Nixon
• Milk
• Benjamin Button
• Marley and Me
• Slumdog Millionaire

Any other "must see's" ??? I am open to suggestions.

aren't MOMS great??!!

I called my mom again this morning boo-hooing over my love life (or love death as it may be)..I mean, really - I am 53 years old and I call my MOM to console me - a woman who virtually raised three kids on her own, who can sew, knit, crochet, upholster, paint and do carpentry with the best of them and has been a widow since age 60 and lives alone in snowy Southwick to complain about MY woes! Well, guess what - after about a half hour of talking I feel better, no more than better - I feel great! And it's not just because the caffeine finally kicked in - cause I didn't even make the java till I had already hung up. My mom is great - the best and I love her and if you can convince her to come spend a month or two with me in LA I would be eternally grateful....

This is not to say that my mom and I haven't had our own 'ups and downs' - we have and some of them have lasted for years...but getting sick last year did some things to me and not all of them were bad. For instance - my heart opened up much more with compassion and I have been able to appreciate people more for who they are and not just for I need them to be...this is a divine gift. It really sucks that I had to get cancer to receive the gift - the gifts are there all along..we just have to be in a place to actually receive them. So - I received this gift of deep compassion and now I am reaping the rewards - feeling loved and cared for by someone with whom I was at war for a long time.

I'm reading (and when I say reading I usually mean listening to Audible.com on my GPS while I drive) the newest book out by relationship expert Harville Hendricks. This book came after he and his wife came very close to splitting up a few years ago. Split ups are always devastating - but this would have been particularly so since this couple has made their life work and living on teaching couples how to makes things work - it's called IMAGO therapy. At times I have been a big proponent of IMAGO, a reluctant participant, a huge skeptic and now a somewhat avid student of the therapeutic approach. Anyway - Hendricks postulates that what goes wrong in a long term relationship (and he references primarily spousal relationships, but I think any powerful intimate relationship is relevant here and there's no more powerful, primal and intimate connection than that between mother and child (especially mother and daughter)) is the fundamental inability to receive love. It's not so much about giving love - that is fairly straightforward for many of us - it is truly, honestly believing in the depths of our soul that we deserve love and then taking the next most profound risk of allowing someone who can hurt us the most deeply to love us and receiving that love. A gift is not truly a gift until it is received. Today I have allowed myself to receive that love and with that receiving of love comes the first steps toward healing.

the ups and downs

i ended the day feeling very good - Nat and I 'enjoyed' Benjamin Buttons together....a very long movie. and then we shared some spaghetti and meatballs at Bucca de Beppo. i felt great when i got home and fell asleep easily.

this morning -not so great...again.

tears on the second day of the new year

a friend commented to me recently that i always 'wear my heart on my sleeve'...i think she meant it as a compliment, but it was part of an email conversation and it is so hard to tell sometimes about the tone or meaning of emails...i love her and i know she loves me so i have decided that she meant it to be a compliment.

it's not always a choice for me though - being so open about my feelings...it can be a good thing but also a very much 'not so good' thing...depending on what the listeners (receivers) do with those fragile feelings i share so openly. my heart is easily hurt and it is fairly broken right now with the jagged and sharp remnants of a long love now ended - but not quite completely ended if you know what i mean. i can't bear really for it to be totally gone and so every fragment that comes my way i grab onto even if it is sharp and hurtful - which trust me it totally is...though always with a promise or memory of tenderness and trust and safety.

move on, harden your heart, forget it (him) is what the people who love me most tell me..F him, , he's a jerk... is what others say...and they say all this because they love me and don't want to see me hurting. i can't help it. i was as brave as i could possibly be during my cancer and now i don't have any 'brave' left in me. it is all used up and i feel so destroyed. i feel afraid of the future. i feel financially insecure. i feel lost. i feel very, very, very sad.

i also feel pretty stupid for feeling so bad and afraid that i am boring everyone to tears and frustration with my ridiculous longings and that makes me even more sad and afraid.

i want to be able to embrace my new aloneness and i trust that eventually i will do that. but - i am not there right now.

hum along with me...."they say that breaking up is hard to do. now i know, i know that it's true..don't say that this is the end..instead of breaking up i wish that we were making up again..i beg of you don't say goodbye..let's give our love just one more try..c'mon baby let's start anew, cause breaking up is hard to do"

best talk ever

i had the best talk with my evidently ex- life partner's ex-wife..that one could ever expect to have...life is good.

ok - i dare you!

i'll share my resolutions if YOU do it first!

my dad made the same ones every year for as long as i can remember

• stop sleeping under parked cars
• stop jumping off tall buildings

to my knowledge - he never did either of those things....

2009

i wonder how many blogs will begin with "2009" today...for me 2007 was filled with fear, anxiety, pain and the challenge of learning how to deal with cancer. 2008 brought some healing, but an awful lot more pain, introspection and grief. (the fallout of cancer, i guess) i welcomed in the new year (East Coast Time) and then headed alone (with Matilda to snuggle) to bed for some sleep.

i am approaching 2009 with humility, hope and an open-ish heart. i long for health, peace, confidence and security.

not too profound, i know...but heck...it's me.