cousins

I have a lot of cousins on my mom's side of the family....my mom was the youngest of seven children...so let's see...there is: Bob and Richie (Pearl's kids); Donna, Debbie, David and Little Leo (Leo's kids); Billy Bumps and Sherri (Enah's kids); Mark, Denise and Roger (Chic's kids), Greg, Gary and Chrissy (Dot's kids); Holly, Tim and David (Babe's kids...AKA - my mom).

My favorite cousin is Sherri - always has been...always will be.  Sherri is 3 or is it 4 years(?) my senior.   She was ALWAYS pretty and cool.  Sherri bought me my first Beatle's album.  I was frequently Sherri's 'beard' when she went out to meet her (then) boyfriend (Lauren).  We would go to Springfield (the East end), they would (ahem) "make out" and I would be bored.  Sherri taught me a lot of cool things.  She also made fun of me and teased me and I put up with it cause she was (and is) still very, very cool. 

My mom was Sherri's godmother.  Sherri and I kind of lost touch over the years...not because of any fallout, but because our lives took different paths and there was nothing drawing us together.  I called her when my mom died.  Sherri was wonderful.  I love her very much.

I spent a lot of time with Sherri and her family when I was back East this Spring for my mom's memorial service.  She has a beautiful home in Connecticut and I want to be her next door neighbor.

She welcomed me with open arms and I am so grateful...she has raised amazing kids and has incredibly lovely grand kids and NOW she has another new family of three darling daughters (whom she adopted) ...and each of whom I cherish....let me share them with you...oh yeah...she has a ridiculously sweet little dog called Diego and another one who's name I can't remember, but it wears diapers....

BRIANNA, ANA AND MACKENSIE

preparing for adventure

Matilda and I have decided to be brave and go on an adventure (by ourselves) to San Simeon, CA over the long holiday weekend coming up.

I made reservations in a hotel right on the beach that loves dogs!  I made arrangements to have a garden tour of the Hearst Castle.  I got my toes painted and my hair cut.  I downloaded several books onto my iPod.  I made sure my car was serviced.  I had Matilda spend the day at the doggy spa so she is cleaned, clipped and ready to make a good impression.  And...I bought a little carry bag for Matilda.  It is a wonderful thing.  First of all it is her favorite color - PINK!  It had a shoulder strap, wheels with a strap to pull it (like through an airport) and a little thingy-ma-jiggy that allows me to attach it to the seat belt in the car so the pup is safe while we cruise up the PCH northward.

Matilda, though agreeable to most things, sometimes takes a bit of time adjusting to new things.  So I put the little carrier on the floor where she likes to sleep while I 'work" (aka play word games) on the computer.  I put her favorite fleece bed in it and periodically I hide tiny milk bones in there so she comes to know if as a safe, special place.

Today, while I was playing online scrabble Matilda approached the carrier.  Yay, I thought...she likes it, she likes it!  But no...she managed to pull the little bed out, eat the treat and curl up in the bed right next to the carrier...oh well....we still have a few days to go...maybe she'll get the hang of it!  My daughter's dog "Sprout" loves her carrier and jumps right into it at every opportunity.  Maybe I should have Sprout call Matilda and explain things to her...

fun with friends

a few weeks ago i was having a hard time with the death of dear friend, and so another friend thought it might be nice to share a lovely meal together in a lovely spot and soothe the aching soul a bit.  it worked.

we went to one of my favs...The Inn of the Seventh Ray.  it's tucked into Topanga Canyon and offers fresh, healthful, gourmet food...in a tranquil garden setting with the river at your feet and flowering trees surrounding you.

and here's the friend with whom i had the fun....Carol K.!

wine tasting in Hollywood

i had a call a few weeks ago asking 'would Holly like to go to Hollywood' for an evening?

"why, yes!" i replied!!  what fun...and, it was!!

a picture perfect evening (too bad my photography skills are so shoddy).  my dear friend Tom and i spent a pleasant few hours atop the roof of the Hollywood Tower building.  there was live music, people impersonating French people(or maybe they really were French!) teaching us about wine and cheese pairings.  there were four wines, four cheeses, lots of people to look at and make catty remarks about (we were channeling our inner biatches...not really!!) and good gossip to catch up on.

our review:  we liked the whites better than the reds.  we did NOT like the too salty bleu cheese at the end.  we LOVED the chocolate truffles - each of the FOUR  was exquisite.  and...we are really glad that we are friends, grateful to have rewarding work and so happy that we are both from Connecticut!!  cheers Tom!  and thanks....it was a great evening!!

Happy Birthday Tim!

We were living in Morocco and a baby was on the way...he came early!  Tim never was one to want to stick to the rules...so the little preemie decided to join his family sooner than he was expected....my mother marvelled at, and was horrified at the same time by, his non-existent finger and toenails when he was born.  He is a survivor, for in those days there were no neonatologists, and no one realized that putting a newborn into an isolette with pure oxygen could result in blindness.  Tim is not blind!

I loved having a little brother.  My mom got me a life-like dolly (as life-like as they made them in 1957!) and a baby doll carriage and bassinet too...so I could be just like her.  When she fed Tim the bottle; I fed my dolly.  When Tim went down for a nap, so did my dolly.  And on one occasion when she bathed Tim - I filled up my dolly's tub with water and gave her a bath too.  I don't remember this happening but my mother loved to tell the story of me asking her for help when we were bathing our babies and as she reached over to help me with MY baby...HER baby slid under the water....she glanced back at Tim to find him totally submerged!  Tim was no worse for the brief experience...but I got in big trouble!  That was the end of our tandem 'mommy-ing' adventures.

For many years my mother made our clothes and yes Tim and I (despite our nearly three year age difference, and of course, our gender difference, and our body habitus differences - him skinny; me not!) we wore matching outfits.  The worst, I think, was a plaid wool cape that I had to wear for Easter with Tim decked out in a corresponding suit jacket and short pants.... ugh!  There were other, equally memorable, sartorial atrocities...but since our brother David has all the family photos...you can just use your imagination.  David, being so much our junior ( I was 11 when he was born and Tim, 8)  was mostly spared the homemade clothing nonsense.  He did get called 'girl' quite a bit though since he had such pretty hair and our mother let the locks grow long and fluffy.  He was a very pretty boy...and is now (ahem) a very handsome man.

But - today is about Tim.  I'm pretty sure that he turns 53 today.  He is a Virgo (though I don't subscribe to that stuff).  He lives in Florida, has a son and a sweetheart. Tim loves animals (we all do!) and he is a good musician.  Tim's middle name is Francis (not for Francis of Assisi the one most of us know about...Brother Sun/Sister Moon, but for St. Francis Xavier).  Here's a note on Francis Xavier:  Saint Francis Xavier, born Francisco de Jaso y Azpilicueta (7 April 1506, Javier, Navarre – 3 December 1552, Shangchuan Island, China) was a pioneering Roman Catholic missionary born in the Kingdom of Navarre (Spain) and co-founder of the Society of Jesus. He was a student of Saint Ignatius Loyola and one of the first seven Jesuits who dedicated themselves to the service of God at Montmartre in 1534.  He led an extensive mission into Asia, mainly in the Asian Portuguese Empire of the time. He was influential in the spreading and upkeep of Catholicism most notably in India, but also ventured into Japan, Borneo, the Moluccas, and other areas which had thus far not been visited by Christian missionaries. 

When my mother was pregnant with Tim she went to Mass every day and said a "novena" ( a nine day contemplative practice) praying for the safe arrival of her baby.  Hence - Timothy Francis! 

One time Tim fell out of a tree he was climbing and got a concussion...I got in trouble because I was supposed to be watching him!  He got in trouble because he couldn't tell our parents what happened.  His clothes were dirty and he was banged up.  They thought he was lying...but he just couldn't remember because he had gotten a bad knock on the noggin!  Tim had a paper route when we lived on Ohio Avenue.  That summer he got injured in a baseball game (Little League) and his teeth were knocked out.  He had to have his jaw wired shut for 6 weeks.  I did his paper route for him, told everyone the sad story about his injury  which resulted in a doubling of 'his' tips....and I gladly handed them over to him at the end of the summer.

Tim and I used to tease our little brother David.  We told him he was related to the Greek family who lived next door.  We would walk to the candy store and because David was so little he couldn't keep up with us.  We made him wait on the side of the road and told him that if he moved not only would he NOT get any candy, but that we would not come back for him...Poor David!!  Tim was a very talented gymnast.  He was also a good runner.  Tim served in the Air Force.  Our dad was proud of that but would have preferred Tim to go into the Navy....but Tim, being Tim...always did his own thing.  Tim was two years behind me in school and hated that.  It was hard for him - his sister was a 'goody two shoes'!!

Tim shares his birthday with Friedrich Hegel, Theodore Dreiser, Samuel Goldwyn, Man Ray, Cesar Millan, Tuesday Weld, Martha Raye and Lyndon Baines Johnson!!  There are 235 famous people born on this day...7 actors, 1 economist, 63 NFL players, 1 pornstar, 18 actresses, 1 guitarist, 2 novelists, 1 member of the royal family,1 attorney, 1 jazz musician, 1 singer, 1 baseball player, 3 politicians and 1 US president...

Tim makes a great cheesecake and is very good at cooking breakfast.  Of the three kids - I think Tim is most like our mother.  Tim made me cry a lot as a teenager because he teased me so much.  He would say the meanest and most embarrassing things when I had boyfriends over, which I did a lot.  On the night that Kirk asked my father for my hand in marriage, he shared a bedroom with my brothers at my parents home in West Springfield.  Kirk later told me that Tim had asked him, with total incredulity, "Why do you want to marry HER?"  Hmmm...such a show of brotherly support! 

I really believe this, though our mother would never admit it and certainly didn't 'show' it,...she loved Tim the best! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM!!  Hope your day is filled with fun....

 Tim and David in my kitchen....

 Tim and his son Ian...

 Tim and our Mom about a week before she died...

Tim in Rhode Island ....


Love from your big sister...

feeling nostalgic

i found myself feeling a bit of nostalgia today...(well, actually yesterday - but i couldn't figure out how to work the damn photo scanner thing-a-ma-jiggy; and today i did!!).

life was really wonderful when the kids were young, when i was young and optimistic about everything, when we could walk across our little two lane "highway" and down a dirt road to the water's edge, when i didn't know anyone (including myself) who had cancer, when our careers were just beginning, when mice poked their heads up through the burners of the electric stove in the kitchen of our house built in 1842...(okay - i hated that part because when you would turn on the burners there would be a terrible smell of smoking mouse pee)...

i know i romanticize that time...but isn't that part of what aging is all about?  not just getting wiser and more experienced in life and love and work....but getting a tad misty-eyed when remembering things past?

here are the two bestest things from MY past....and thankfully my present too!!

on my mind

i was thrilled to hear about a friend this week who had been recently diagnosed with breast cancer...and found that after her surgery and a 5 day course of radiation - her treatment is DONE!  she will be on an oral medication for the next five years...but i am so happy for her that she escaped having to go through chemo....

this beautiful video is dedicated to all the women affected by this disease and all those who love them best!  when you get done with the kleenex...get out the checkbook and make a donation to TNBC Foundation or breastcancer.org or Susan B. Komen or just call someone you love, who is living day to day with this, and tell them so....

vacay

I can't really remember the last time I took a vacation...seriously...I have no idea when it might have been.  For so many years I traveled almost monthly to New Mexico that I never really felt in need of a vacation.  I went to Korea in 2008, and although it was a completely enjoyable and wonderful trip, it was NOT a vacation.  I spent two and a half weeks on the East Coast in May/June of this year and, again, there was a lot of fun times during that period and I am so glad that I got to see family and friends...but NOT a vacation.

I WANT A VACATION!!

Jordan and Meredith had a recent (and well-deserved) vacation on the Oregon Coast a few weeks ago.  It is a lovely, peaceful and very special place.  Sadly, Nathaniel's school demands did not allow him to go along for the fun.

So - I am taking a mini-vacay over Labor Day weekend.  I'm headed (with Matilda) to San Simeon.  We will stay a great little hotel right on the beach!!  It's only two nights away but I think it will be wonderful  I've booked a tour of the gardens at the Hearst Castle.  I've never really gone away by myself except to conferences for work and things like that.  It will be a long drive but my commute has made me accustomed to lots of time in the car and between NPR, my iPod and audible.com, I will be well entertained. 

When I get back I face the final reconstruction surgery and I am looking forward to putting all that behind me...

And, I've polled the kids...they are excited about taking a family vacation together early in 2011.  We will do some hard work and planning to coordinate everyone's schedule and then...with any luck...head to Belize!!

so much going on...

it was a great, great weekend....on Saturday i spent a lovely, fun-filled afternoon with friends V, B, T and D...we enjoyed an hour of Korean foot massage ($18) and then a fantastic lunch of PHO.  what fun!  we giggled and teased each other and then laughed some more.  i realized that i was the token 'straight' person in the group...gotta love life in the big city!  and then during the foot massage, i realized that i was the token 'Caucasian' person...this NEVER would have happened if i still lived in Connecticut!!

on Sunday i met up with a sister blogger friend...Sue, from "Sue's Escape from Cancerland" formerly known as the blog "Sue from Italia".  i learned from her blog that she was in Santa Monica...visiting from the Midwest.  i took a chance and got in touch and we had a lovely late breakfast together.  we shared stories of the journey of triple negative and laughed and sighed and marvelled about making friends through cyber connections!  i know there are lots of online dating services, but never thought i'd meet another woman with triple negative breast cancer through the Internet and then actually get to give her a hug in person over chilequiles!!  Sue is amazing and i am so glad that we met in person....

later that day i took myself to see "Eat, Pray, Love".  i think the movie should be called "Eat, Pray, Love, Weep"...everyone was sniffling...not me...i stayed strong.  the caramel popcorn helped!

i went shopping trying to find something appropriate to wear on Monday to a dear friend's funeral.  nothing seemed right.  so - i dug something out of my closet and wore pink!  i figured, why not?  a tribute to sweet Carol and her struggle with the triple negative beast.  i also bought pins and with a plan to share them with whoever wanted one...they read:  I wear PINK to honor my friend's incredible bravery.

Carol

at 2pm friends and family will gather at Forest Lawn to remember Carol, celebrate her life and lay her, tired and ravaged by cancer, body to rest...her soul and spirit are already at rest...we are grieving deeply...of the three of us in our group who were diagnosed with TNBC, there are two left.  Bonnie and i are howling our hearts out...we are sad and afraid...for ourselves and for each other...and for ALL our TNBC  'sisters' out there, known and unknown, who live each day with this dread in their hearts...

love, love, love

every day and in every way make sure that you tell the people you love that you do....love them, that is...

heaven has a new angel

last night a dear friend, Carol B. lost her battle with breast cancer.  she died peacefully at home surrounded by the love of her two sweet daughters, two darling new granddaughters (Sidney - four months old and Francesca - three weeks old), her dear husband, family and friends.

Carol had triple negative breast cancer - the most aggressive kind.  we met through our Breast Friends group - an offshoot of the local support group some of us attended while going through treatment.  there are nineteen of us now who enjoy the companionship, support and love of this incredible group of women.  three of the 19 had triple negative disease.  i am one.

the world is diminished by Carol's death. she was 66 years old.

hooray for volunteers

imagine my surprise when i realized that the scraggly, leggy plant taking over the little garden spot near my front door is a TOMATO plant!  i live in a place where the lawns, plantings etc. are carefully maintained and controlled by the homeowners association.  they did a huge landscaping project a year ago and things are mostly looking good.  when i got frustrated waiting for the plants to fill out and added some of my own - i got a note telling me to remove my plants or the gardener would remove them for me!  i complained that the plants were taking too long to flourish and my yard looked bare...i was reminded that plants first sleep, then creep, then leap!

i removed them and re-potted them on my patio. so i wonder what will happen when someone takes a closer look and sees this thriving tomato plant...thank you to the bird who undoubtedly must have dropped the seed...

yup...the many faces of me!

here i am...circa fourth grade.  complete with white stretchy headband, peter pan collar and chubby cheeks.  i used to dread 'school picture' day.  my mother always took the event as on occasion to try out a new hair do for me.  the worst were the perms.  remember "Toni Home Perms"...the version for girls was called "Tonette"....and they were always just awful..frizzy and fraught was how i would head to school on those days.  now i am just glad to have hair...short and grey though it is!

one of my heroes...actually, heroine!

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do."


Georgia O'Keeffe

chalk up another failure

weight has always been an issue for me.  my mom constantly told me i was a "big" girl as compared with her petite frame.  i took after my dad's side of the family - and was built a lot like my Aunt Pat.  i thought she looked wonderful.  my mom made my dress for the Senior Prom in high school and i wanted a sophisticated  sleeveless black number and she insisted that i should NOT wear sleeveless because of my arms...i insisted more, she made it and i wore a shawl all night to hide my arms.

i worked hard to stay in shape in my college and graduate school days - running mostly, even at lunch time when i was a newbie social worker with my first job...we called it the "run for lunch bunch". 

i thought i was fat when i got married at 135 lbs and 5'7".  i was not.  i realized that when i saw a photo from our honeymoon and i looked darn good in the little blue bikini i had worn in Bermuda!

but then babies came and so did the weight, and then the stress of married life, 2 full-time demanding careers, two busy young children and the pounds piled on.  i distinctly remember purchasing a fancy dress for an event that my husband and i needed to attend and finding one that fit in Macy's 'Woman' department - the grown-up version of "chubette"...yes, that's what they called it when i was 12!! when i asked him if the dress made me look fat (beware all men...never answer that question!!) he looked thoughtful and finally commented, 'well, not as fat as that other dress'.  i think i was supposed to feel good about that.  i didn't.

my next romantic relatiosnhip ended (in large part) because my sweetheart believed that i got breast cancer because i was fat.  he blamed ME for the disease.  after all...he'd been trying to get me to lose weight for years...and the more he pushed, the more resistant i became.  (childish - i know!) and yes, most breast cancers are driven by estrogen and estrogen lives in fat...but the kind of breast cancer i had was NOT sensitive to estrogen, so NOT related to my fat. 

i know it is better to be thinner rather than heavier for most of our lives and being overweight predisposes us to innumerable bad diseases.  i'm not a dolt - i work in a hospital and see this every blessed day.  but, i cannot seem to get motivated enough to lose weight.  i've tried everything.  my most recent effort involved a liquid shake diet.

i chose New Lifestyle...and i did it with my officemate and work partner.  i have had a stomach ache for three weeks now and have lost 5 pounds.  this is not how i want to live.  so...once again i have failed.  i am trying to not beat myself up too much, but am failing at that too.  i talked the issue over with one of my MD colleagues who is very, very fit and he said...eat sensibly, exercise, repeat...very sound advice... 

ya gotta laugh

okay, there are many profound and deeply meaningful ways that having a breast cancer diagnosis impacts one's life...this, however, is NOT one of them!!

i was never a very 'hairy' person and am so much less so now that it is sometimes amazing...the bad part is the hair on my head (you know - a woman's crowning glory, as my mom always referred to it) is very sparse, thin, fine and wispy.  i don't have to shave my underarms any more, no need for bikini waxing and shaving my legs once a month or so is plenty...also...i do not have any eyebrows!  i can cope (fairly well) with not have a crowning glory on top of my head, but the lack of eyebrows is very disturbing to me.  i have thought of getting them tattooed, but have not seen enough good results of other people's tattooed eyebrows to convince me...and it is permanent after all and right on my face for goodness sakes, so if i do and regret it i am screwed.

every day i use a product called 'brush on brow'. it's a powder that comes with a tiny little brush and i've become fairly adept at drawing on my eyebrows.  yes, they do not match exactly - but hey, 'real' ones don't either!  and yes, i have to be aware during the day that i don't swipe my hand in my eyebrow area and wipe one off accidentally.  it has happened. 

so, this morning, as per my usual routine...i had brushed on one brow and half of the other when the phone rang.  who calls me at 7am?  i ran to get the phone, dealt hastily with the caller's issue, grabbed my keys and ran out the door.

imagine my shock when i glanced in the rear view mirror while on the freeway driving to work and noticed that i have one and a half eyebrows...ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!  i am going to go through the day like this and when i get home i will put an extra little box of 'brush on brow' in my purse just for such 'emergencies'....sigh.

what i do every day....

if you NEVER read anything else about palliative care or hospice...please read this...

Hospice medical care for dying patients : The New Yorker

not safe in the world and THEN!!!!

just as i've been trying to deal with the sense of exposure, betrayal and vulnerability that have been the aftermath of having my email and other important accounts compromised by some nasty, mean but very smart hacker...the universe offered me a gift to restore my faith in the goodness and kindness of humanity.

i don't often 'spoil' or 'treat' myself but i had a very hard morning yesterday at the memorial service of a dear friend's father (too close to my own mom's death and too far away form any sort of meaningful and deeply moving tribute that she might have received) for me to manage effectively...so, i thought i would do something restorative for myself and decided on a mani/pedi..always a 'pick me up' for any girl and i hadn't gotten one since being with Jordan in NY!

i stopped into a place i'd never been..called Heavenly Nails...and heavenly, it was.  the ladies are always nice at these places, but this group seemed especially so.  i was relaxed and feeling pampered when a young woman came in asking if she could sing a song for us...now, this sort of thing usually only happens, in LA, when someone is trying to get money from you...

when everyone said 'yes'...and i admit i was the first to speak up (a shock, i know) she went out to car and brought back her acoustic guitar.  she had a great voice, soft yet strong and just a little husky.  she sang a song about love and spirit.  when i asked her if she had made a CD...she looked bashful and said that she had...she went back out to her car to retrieve some.  everyone in the shop bought one.  i've played it and all of her songs are just as lovely as the one she shared in the salon.

so - don't give up on loving surprises that are gifts from the universe..  her name is Whitney Steele and she is terrific...based in Phoenix...hear her if you get the chance...and remember to keep your heart and mind open to unexpected gifts when you are most in need.