blogging for breasts, boobs, tata's, hooters, whatever you call them....

Calling ALL Bloggers-Join the Army of Women Blog for your breasts day!On October 1, 2010, we are inviting BLOGGERS to use their voice through their BLOG to spread the word about the Love/Avon Army of Women. We are dedicating ONE day to reach ONE million women to sign up for the Army of Women by declaring October 1, 2010 the official Army of Women Day. We beseech all bloggers to blog about the Army of Women and empower women to take the next step by signing up and taking part in breast cancer research studies.  Together, we can move breast cancer beyond a cure and eradicate it once and for all.

so................what are we waiting for??


We love our bodies and we need to celebrate that love...so please join in the efforts of the Love/Avon Army of Women.  Personally...I do not like the "army" image....prefer to think of myself as someone on the journey of life...I never embraced the "warrior" self or saw myself as "fighting a battle"...but I do know how to speak up and speak out and feeling empowered is very important...so, ladies...let's get on with it!

BLOG ON sisters!!

thie girls are coming! the girls are coming!

i don't generally like to rush life along...but this week i am counting down the days till Jordan and Meredith arrive!  i adore spending time with my son...but i do miss 'girl' energy sometimes.  their trip will be a quick one...two nights with me and then off to Santa Barbara for a friend's wedding and festivities...i plan to make the most of that short period of time.

one of our family favorites is to have 'game night'.  this tradition started many years ago and usually involves friends and food...this week it may just be the four of us and that is fine for most games...

Nat has been very kind to me these past weeks as i've been recuperating.  he even obliged me a few times by playing scrabble. i love ALL words games and i pride myself on winning most of them.  but this time round he beat me TWICE!  and both times i was trying really ahrd.  i even admit to practicing online by playing against a computer....i can often beat the computer...but again, this afternoon, Nat whomped me but good!

so....game night here we come....

make new friends

anyone out there a former girl scout out?  if so, then in addition to celebrating Juliet Lowe Day (the founder of girl scouting in the US), you will remember this little song...

Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold...it's really fun to sing it in a round...

making new friends gets a bit harder as we age.  i am blessed and lucky to have lots of friends...i'm still in touch with friends from high school, college, and seminary.  not in touch with anyone from grade school or social work school...(hmmm), not sure why. 

it has been a challenge for me to stay in touch with friends throughout my lifetime and in large part it's because my family moved so much.  my dad was in the Navy and that meant moving every 2 - 3 years until i entered high school.  so (and not in the necessarily correct chronological order) i have lived in..Fort Dix, NJ; Port Lyaute, Morrocco; Athens, GA; Virginia Beach, VA; West Springfield, MA; Newport, RI; Nantucket Island, MA; Mechanicsburg, PA; Oahu, HI; West Springfield, MA (West Springfield is there twice because when my dad went somewhere the family couldn't follow (like "Operation Deepfreeze" in Antarctica)  we went back to my mother's home town...it turned out i attended high school with some of the same kids i started with in pre-primary!)

then came college in Boston, grad school in New Haven, getting married and living in West Hartford, CT; Farmington, CT; Bloomfield, CT; Old Lyme, CT; Los Angeles; Espanola, New Mexico; Los Angeles; North Hollywood.

PHEW....is it any wonder that i don't feel particularly attached to things? or places?  just people!! 

today i have plans to meet someone i've never met and have lunch together.  we have someone in common (her partner/my friend and former colleague).  it will be fun...and it is great to welcome new friends into one's life and love....

tables

breakfast with mom and my brothers...a week before she died

Anne Marie, Gloria and Sophie's house early Spring 2010:  Brunch!

tables are one of my favorite pieces of furniture.  i like old ones the best.  we gather around tables to play games, do homework, and most importantly...to share meals together. 

there have been so many memorable times of gathering around tables in all our lives...here are a few of mine...

luncheon with a few breast friends!

We're ready for Thanksgiving at my house!

dining in Korea!

the co-parental units celebrating Nat's 21st

 

 

...the fraility of human relationships....

"You live in my heart. You bring me joy and sorrow. You'll never know how dear you are." 


This quote is from Garrison Keillor's book, Pilgrims.  I LOVE Garrison Keillor - always have, always will. My husband and I used to faithfully listen to "A Prairie Home Companion" in our early years together.  I still listen when I have the chance, but usually it is by chance...while driving about hither and yon.  I had the chance to see/hear Garrison (for all of his devoted followers feel we know him personally) at the Hollywood Bowl a few years ago.  I was reluctant at first, afraid to be disappointed or disillusioned as one so often is when meeting an 'icon' or 'hero' in person.  I need not have feared.  He was as awesome on stage/in person, as he has been week after week, year after year on the radio.  He even wore his trademark red Keds!  I loved that.

People often do disappoint us even when they don't mean to.  Our expectations of one another can be impossibly high.  I know I have disappointed many over the years...and from them I ask for forgiveness.  Many have disappointed me (and continue to).  This  can make me feel so sad sometimes.  How is it that we can love someone so very much, so very purely and fully and still let them down...sometimes even intending or aiming to do so?

Keillor's quote brings to mind my mother and her elusive yet powerful love and need to be loved.  It also makes me think of broken relationships, opportunities squandered or, at least, not cherished enough. 

Each day and in every way, to my fullest ability, I want those for whom I care so deeply to know and rest in that love, in my heart and to feel dear...o so dear...to me.

Dears...you know who you are..past and present...and I still and always love you...for you bring me joy and sorrow...and I, you.

time heals all wounds...

i really hope this is true!  i saw my dear and very competent plastic surgeon yesterday.  he was supportive and understanding...reminding me that 'it hurts to be beautiful'... i don't really care about being beautiful...but i would like to finally 'reclaim' my body parts.  for me, that's what all this surgery and recovery is about...yes, i have more scars than i did immediately following my cancer treatment...but not they are MY scars...not just something that happened to me.  i chose to have reconstruction.  i chose to have a revision done a year later.  these boobs are MINE. 

some people have questioned my decisions - my mom thought it was 'silly'.  "after all", she reasoned, "you are in your mid- 50's.  you've already been married and divorced.  had a relationship and was dumped... there won't be any more men in your life...so who are you doing this for?"  OUCH!  i told her i was doing it for me.  made no sense at all to her...others have made similar, though not quite as blatant, comments...hmmm...i don't really feel that i have to explain or justify my choices. i am responsible only to myself at this stage...and if romantic love comes back to my life...then that person will need to be able to help me celebrate who i am.  all of me.  scars included.

denial is powerful stuff

Nat snapped this in the pre-op area on Wednesday as i 'blissfully' (anxiously!!) wait to go 'under the knife'.  ignorance is bliss they say.  but - i shouldn't have been ignorant having gone through this already.  but...i guess as in childbirth...one forgets....

i forgot how much this hurts.  i have been trying to do very little...but i am in pain and it is exhausting me.  my friends have been sweet -taking Matilda, coming over to change my dressings, making me food.  Nat has been fantastic...but healing is going to take its own sweet time...tick, tock, tick, tock..hurry up already!!.

i am thankful

today is day two post-op and i awoke feeling human and alive.  yes, the hurting is still there, but today will be manageable. the pain medicine got changed yesterday to something that will not be so upsetting to my stomach.  yesterday i was able to keep down most of the things i took in.  Carol brought her magical matzoh ball soup...and it is working its magic!  i ate two bowls...so very good.

Nat is also working his magic and proving himself to be a compassionate, caring and competent nurse.  he has stayed in a good mood and offers to meet my needs before i even know them.

my friends and family have been calling and checking in regularly and that is so helpful, comforting and reassuring.

today i plan to do nothing but read when i can, watch some tv episodes i've saved and generally lay about.

thank you to all of you who are so kind and sweet and loving...you know who you are and you make my life good.

yikes!

tomorrow i have stage two of my breast reconstruction surgery.  say prayers for (DJ Lee, MD) my surgeon; for my son (Nathaniel) who will be playing the role of  'nurse' and for me...that i may navigate this experience with a minimal amount of pain, quick healing and most especially with grace, good humor and patience....also send lots of positive energy to my work partner (Janet) who will be 'holding down the palliative care fort' while i am recuperating!

This is my surgeon.  I like him a lot.  He did some training with my dear friend (John) also a plastic surgeon....he's from Pusan, Korea (where I visited) ; lived in NJ (where I was born); trained in East Coast schools (just like me), lived in Brooklyn (just like Jordan); moved to LA in 1991 (also - just like me!); he met his wife at CHLA (where I was the Director of Clinical Social Work).  It really is 6 degrees of separation!!

we head for home

after a truly wonderful respite, we head for home today.  i am trying NOT to hurry up and pack and be all ready and watch for the clock to turn to 1200 signalling the time we are to check out.  i am trying hard to be leisurely and relaxed this morning hoping it will set the tone for the week ahead.

as much as i walk and meditate and pray and try...i cannot seem to find a peaceful spirit within myself....i need to learn how not to get upset so easily, so frustrated, so hurt, so scared.  everything really will be alright...or, it won't, and i will have to find a way to deal with that.  there really are no other options.  and besides...i don't really think that i am in charge.  i want to relinquish my tight hold on myself and the world and trust the universe and the wisdom and love of the creator that all is meant to be...let go, let go, let go...

day two in San Simeon

the day started out in a heavy fog.  Matilda and i strolled along the beach looking for a good place to poop (i had gone earlier!!).  we encountered our new friends of the bonfires from last evening...man (name unknown) and his sweet rescue dog 'Shadow'.  man and dog divide their time between Puerto Vallarta and Vancouver, BC.  sounds like a nice balance to me.

later Tilly hung out in the car (can't leave the canines alone in the hotel room...i tried it for 10 minutes and could hear her yowling) and i enjoyed a pretty good greek scramble at the restaurant next door.  after that we went to the hot tub...what a treat to be soaking in the 104 degree hot tub with the misty skies all around.  she sat prettily in her carrier while i boiled and then plunged into the cold pool and repeated several times. 

then we drove up the coast a bit and stopped at every single 'scenic vista' point.  some were friendlier to dogs than others.

we skipped lunch and went for a long stroll on the beach.  we watched para-surfers...i think that's what they are called...what strength it takes for this sport...harder, i think, than actual surfing.  after  a bit we headed up to Hearst Castle. it was pretty much what i expected. i decided to forgo the IMAX movie about it and enjoyed the garden tour while Miss Tilly dozed in the car. 

tonight we've been staying in our room waiting for the beach bonfires...they should start soon...as i look out my window i see about 12 - 15 surfers and people beginning to gather at the fire pits...we will join them shortly. 

i am sort of proud of myself for not making any friends on this trip.  i feel 'overly relational' (as my kids have named it ) much of the time and have succeeded in engaging in only polite chit-chat.  that is nice for a change.

it is cold here - i need a jacket outside so i have no idea why i got a sunburn...but i did!!

o yes...we also communed with the elephant seals for about an hour...amazing...

labor day get-away!

Matilda and I have begun our great adventure...it was a really nice drive up the coast.  We took it slow.  Stopped several times to walk and look around. I could easily have spent 8 hours driving rather than 4 if I had stopped at every place I wanted to explore.

After a busy day of looking at sea lions, strolling down quaint streets (in search of shop where we could each buy a fleece(!)...btw...mission accomplished.  Mine is gray, hers is bright blue with pink and red dog bones on it), hiking along the beach, reading a book, and now sitting at the little desk in our room overlooking the crashing surf...we are very calm!

I should have packed some supplies - bottled water (can't find a market and it's $1.50 in the mini bar).  We've had a great day.  Around 7pm the three outdoor fire pits get lit and we will go for a stroll with a glass of Cambria chardonnay and check out the scene. 

Tomorrow it's the Hearst Castle and just general hanging about...I am loving it. 

Two photos are included:  one is of Matilda resting on the giant (compared with her) King sized bed looking like a princess.  The other is of her in her favorite snuggle in and find the softest place pose....I wish I could teach her how to take my photo.  If she could...it would show me smiling, happy and relaxed....not thinking at all about the upcoming surgery...had millions of dreams about it last night.  Tonight I will be lulled to sleep by the sound of the gulls and the wind and the waves.