this is the third or maybe...

...the fourth time since i've been in LA that i've met someone with my last name! my last name WAS Smith from 1979-1997, but that is NOT the name to which i am referring...the name is HAMLETT.

each person i've met who shares my last name also shares a common 'trait' - a pretty surprising common trait if you ask me...and today was no exception!

i met a woman, in the course of my work today, who has children whose last name is the same as my birth name...HAMLETT...i prefer saying birth name, as compared with "maiden" name, which implies some other 'traits' which may or may not be accurate...if you get my drift...'maidenhood' (insert a naughty smile here!!)

so...this lovely lady asked me if my family was originally from Virgina - which in fact is the case (on my father's side!).

we decided we must be related....how cool...

then...(not surprising to me, but totally surprising to her...she disclosed that her husband is BLACK (shocked expression here!!)...every single person i've met with my last name is Black!

i think it's cool...i have always longed to be in a minority...it makes my social justice, activism, social worker heart happy...

so.....i am the palest of relatives in the Hamlett clan(oops...shouldn't use the word CLAN...perhaps! - insensitive of me...) the Hamlett tribe...maybe that is more fitting...

anyway...we bonded and laughed and shared hugs...which is really a gift...when you consider the fact that as we met we were speaking about important and hard issues like "code" status...CPR? intubate? etc...

life brings gift after gift...if only we have the heart, eyes and arms to receive those gifts....in whatever form the gifts may take....

freeway zen

earlier this week i got caught in my first ever "Sig" alert...Angeleno's hear those two words and shiver with dread...here's the definition of "Sig alert":

SigAlerts originated in 1955 with the Los Angeles Police Department. By the early 1950s, the rapidly growing number of automobiles in Los Angeles had greatly increased the frequency and severity of traffic accidents and jams. Radio stations reported traffic conditions, but the LAPD refused to call radio stations with this information, so each station would call the LAPD, a process that tied up telephone lines and forced officers to repeat the same information again and again.

In 1955, Loyd C. "Sig" Sigmon began developing a solution. Sigmon was Executive Vice President of Golden West Broadcasters (a company owned by singing cowboy Gene Autry). Sigmon had worked for Golden West's station KMPC 710 in 1941, but found himself in the United States Army Signal Corps during World War II, assigned to General Dwight D. Eisenhower's staff, in charge of non-combat radio communications in the European theater. Now, he proposed to apply his knowledge of complex radio networks to the situation in Los Angeles.

Sigmon developed a specialized radio receiver and tape recorder. When the receiver picked up a particular tone, it would switch on the tape deck and record the subsequent bulletin. The device cost about $600. The LAPD's chief, William H. Parker, was interested though skeptical, warning the inventor, "We're going to name this damn thing Sigalert." More practically, he refused to use it unless the receivers were made available to all LA radio stations—it could not be a KMPC monopoly.

....the 'other' definition: HELL, PURE AND SIMPLE IN 10 LANES OF TRAFFIC...

so...i sat in traffic for nearly 3 hours as i made my way 34 miles on the 5 South to work...by the time i arrived i wanted to lay on the floor and CRY...the drive home was cake!!

breast friends...

friends
sisters
grandmothers
warriors
survivors
lovers
daughters
mothers
wives
lawyers
teachers
artists
creators
guides
mentors
learners
movers and shakers
agents
designers
physical therapists
social workers


open-hearted women all... each of whom has become the "one in eight" American woman who will be diagnosed with breast cancer...

they helped me celebrate my 54th birthday on October 24th...and together we all celebrated life and living fully...

what a great day!

this morning i slept in...till nearly 7:30 and had a leisurely iced latte and maple scone as Matilda and i drove the 75 miles to Santa Barbara...the girls treated me to a wonderful brunch...but i won't share any details because the kids tease me too much about my food descriptions. we sang along with CD's on the drive home but they don't want me to blog about that either...sigh.

this afternoon the 3 kids are doing pumpkin carving and i have lots of great photos...but they told me i am NOT allowed to post them?? what fun is that..

tonight we will have a feast, which i am preparing, roasted winter root vegetables and roast beast...with mint chocolate ice cream cake for dessert...selected and brought by Nat...along with 2 bottles of "two buck Chuck" Merlot...how convenient that he is 21 now and can do these errands!

so...as the fall colors and scents and music breathe through us, try to embrace and hold the image of shared love, joined hands and whispered gratitude...

amazing, just amazing...

i am part of an amazing family...and i am so grateful. this week, on the 21st, Nat's 21st birthday was a celebrated in style...his ACTUAL birthday was on the 20th which he and i heralded by sharing some incredible Korean cuisine at Genwa not far from where he lives...

but on Wednesday - Laura and Kirk flew in from Phoenix, Jordan arrived from the Big Apple and Meredith took the train from Santa Barbara...what fun we had! Nat was well celebrated with a delicious dinner at Wood Ranch Grill (thank you Kirk and Laura for treating!!) and then cake, champagne and presents back at my place...we told stories (yes the requisite story of the day of his arrival in 1988), and stories about him growing up and memories and funny things that have happened over the years.

how very special that his three 'parental units' were all together and his big sister and Meredith too...of course, Sprout and Matilda joined in as well.

i am very proud of my son and he deserved all the glory that day...but i am also proud that all of us are able to come together in joy and love to cherish one another and have just plain fun together...not all 'blended' families can claim such success...we should all be proud of ourselves...

being good

remember this...

2 good 2 b 4 gotten
2 bad 2 b 4 given

it reminds me of 8th grade autograph books...i think there may be more to the little rhyme...but i can't remember it.

today is a day to be good. be good to yourself. be gentle with your spirit, your heart.
be good to others - listen carefully and fully to what they are saying and not saying.

be good to the world around you - recycle. use less energy, don't be wasteful, cherish everything.



and....don't worry...if you really can't BE good today...just ACT good...the rest will follow.

saving $$$$

these days i am looking for every way i can to save money....having been out of work during my treatment (9 months with no income) meant that i had to rely on credit cards to pay for every day expenses...that has all built up to a critical point now...so i am frantically trying to find new and creative ways of being frugal...i almost bought a magazine today called "Simple Life" but thought it was silly to spend money on something so that it would tell me how to save money...

i did switch my home phone service from AT&T ($45 a month) to T-Mobile@home ($9.99 a month)...it was pretty complicated...all the stuff came in the mail including an instructional CD...too bad the CD only works with PC's! we are a Mac-family!!...but Nat came over to save the day...he got it all hooked up and it seems to be working fine...he called the T-Mobile tech support and the guy calmly and competently walked him through the process and stayed on the line to make sure all was up and running to our satisfaction...GREAT customer service.

i have heard that AT&T is sometimes vengeful and turns off your Internet and TV too instead of just the phone service. T-Mobile suggested i made a preemptive phone call to AT&T and let them know, in advance, that i ONLY want the phone turned off. so - i called. the AT&T guy kept trying to talk me out of changing services. i got impatient and asked to speak with his supervisor. he told me not to get so angry. i told him to talk with my son. Nat got on the phone (lowering his voice by several octaves) and the guy suddenly became much nicer. we will see what services get turned off....stay tuned.

i have always loved T-Mobile and would never consider switching cell phone services..wish they did internet and TV as well! i was one of the first customers in the LA market when they came in 2002...so i got to choose my number...i chose my b-day...'1024' are the last four digits...what fun!

i love Halloween

(i think this photo is one that Jordan took in Vermont recently)


i have always loved Halloween...my mom would often make our costumes and i remember one year that my brother Tim was dressed as a package of Lucky Strike cigarettes and i went as Aunt Jemima...it was the 60's...not terribly 'PC' but lots of fun...

Nat's first Halloween came when he was only 11 days old. i stayed at home with him (though i dressed him in a little pajama costume) while Kirk took Jordan and Emily Pote trick or treating...it was freezing cold that night.

when we moved to LA i did, as we had always done, make tortellini soup for an early dinner, dressed the kids in their longjohns and helped them put their costumes on...out we went...needless to say, the weather in LA is about 40 degrees warmer (at least!) than in Connecticut...the kids practically had heatstroke and after just a few houses so we had to limp home to divest them of the long underwear...

Kirk and i alternated throughout the evening who stayed at the house to distribute the candy and who would walk with the kids...we took our candy duties seriously - complete with costumes of our own, decorations and scary music...my favorite trick was to sit slumped over in a chair like i was a dead old witch and then jump up and scream with fright at the trick or treaters...it worked like a charm...my throat was always sore the next day from screaming so much...but what fun!!

the Larchmont Village/Hancock Park was a great area for trick or treating since everyone was affluent and gave out full size candy bars!!

during all my years in pediatrics the patients would dress up and troop along the hallways (in wheelchairs, walkers, being carried and even on gurneys )of the hospital going from department to department to be greeted by the staff (also in costume) giving out toothbrushes and coloring books...

the standard for staff in costume was - "nothing you couldn't take off in a hurry"...in case you had to meet with a patient or family about a difficult issue...it's hard to hear bad news from Snow White! and nothing too gory or sexy.

wonder what Halloween will bring this year? i can't wait!! Autumn is just a magical season...

fight like a girl

have you heard that expression? i know i have. i have also heard, "you run like a girl"...you "think like a girl"..."you XXXX like a girl"..always a pejorative remark.

well...i want you to know...i fight like a girl,like a woman,like a woman who was deserted by her partner of 13+ years during the midst of her fight with breast cancer (an MD - go figure...a total asshole of a man),like a mother of two,like a social worker,like a sister,like a daughter,like a believer,like a woman...

and today...my oncologist told me that he didn't need to see me for 6 months...for the past 2 years i have seen him (or...he has seen me) very much more frequently...but i am two years out of treatment for triple negative (the most aggressive form of breast cancer) and i don't have to be checked for 6 blessed months....

i am ecstatic...

my "emerging" church community loved me and supported me and upheld me in prayer this night and i send all that love and spirit to each of you who reads this....

finding the rhythm

i have always loved music...but i really can't sing...well, ok - i can sing (and i do...much to the chagrin of my children) but i can't sing on tune. i remember taking a walk years ago with the new organist and choirmaster at our church in LA - his name is Jim Buonemani...(good hands!) - great name for an organist don't you think??!

anyway, i was complaining to him that i couldn't sing on tune and he assured me that really everyone can sing on tune - it's just a matter of listening. so we practiced...he would intone a note and i was to follow...after six or seven tries - he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Hm...you're right - you can't sing on tune." he was embarrassed, as was i, because i thought he was going to teach me a secret trick and i would be able to sing.

i was in the church folk group (remember it was the 70's) when i was in high school and the sweet Irish priest was delighted that i wanted to join - his name was Seamus Devitt. after a few Sundays..he asked me if i'd rather play the tambourine than sing...sigh...i played the tambourine with gusto, but still not much rhythm...but i loved it!!

sometimes i still struggle to find the rhythm...but now it's the rhythm of life...the balance between work and play, worry and confidence, adventure and safety, giving and receiving, letting go and taking charge...it's tricky, this life stuff and i begin each day with songs of joy and love as i make my long commute to work each day with sick and dying people and their families...and as i sing, and know that i am off tune... i giggle to myself and sing louder...

yes...we (I) can

life is daunting at times..unmanageable at others...

my mother is getting older and i worry about her living alone and so far away so...we (she and I) are working together to figure out how to move her to sunny SoCal...though it did rain today...she and I are of hardy stock and can take it...whatever (IT) is!! we can take it together...

and i can't wait til she arrives and is here, under my (our) roof...we are looking for a place to share..with separate-ness but togetherness..a duplex near the beach with any luck....

and my baby turns 21 next week, and Jordan's dog "Kelly" will be moving from Phoenix to LA for Holly's Hospice care.... and life goes one..daunting and completely manageable at times...

you KNEW it was coming

October is Breast Cancer month and my birthday month and the birthday month of my son - Nathaniel...so...you KNEW i'd write something PINK!

try as i might, - not to - i think about breast cancer every single day...today i saw a 43 year old woman with stage IV and did not have to see a 23 year old woman newly diagnosed...my partner nurse was worried about my response - but i was in fine form...felt VERY knowledgeable about her disease and treatment and feelings etc...everyone thought i was VERY professional...though my nurse partner is the only one at my new job who 'KNOWS' about me....

i have always loved October - growing up much of the time in New England - it really is the best month all year, except maybe for May...

may this October bring love and blessings to each of you...

the itsy bitsy spider

remember the sweet song from childhood?

the itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout
down came the rain and washed the spider out
out came the sun and dried up all the rain
and, the itsy bitsy spider came out to play again!

oh how i loved to sing that song to my kids when they were little and add all the hand movements of the itsy bitsy spider ending up with tickling them under the chin while they squealed with glee...

today i had a different kind of encounter with a spider - a huge spider on my patio that had spun a web from the ficus tree to the light fixture on the patio and i walked into the middle of it when i went out to water the plants this morning.

i am sure all the neighbors heard me scream...i was sure the spider was still on me and i had to go upstairs and take another shower and look with my hand mirror to be certain that it wasn't on my back or in my hair...

I HATE SPIDERS....

when i was in South Korea we visited a famous cemetery and one of the things that was remarkable about the cemetery was the size of the spiders. they wove great huge webs between trees and i am NOT exaggerating here - they were as big as my hand....

crushes

when i was a very much younger woman i had a total crush on the very handsome James T. (for Tiberius) Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise. i could hardly wait for the weekly episodes to see what brave and funny and endearing things he would do...what a fantasy man he was for me.

as time moves forward one outgrows such crushes...and i did...now i have a crush on Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise. Jean Luc is soft spoken, wise beyond words, gentle, smart, a consummate negotiator and statesman...he never lets the Ferenghi or the Betazoids or the Vulcans or the Romulans get the best of him...

he said something, that really struck a chord with me, to Data (the Android) in a recent episode i watched...Data was feeling (of course Androids don't HAVE feelings) badly about not winning in a crucial game of Strategem...and he kept insisting that he had done everything right...and had outplayed his opponent...but still lost.

Jean Luc said, "Data, it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life." He is right!

sometimes

sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is..what the right choice is...how to make the best decision...not deciding is actually making a decision at times...it's also hard not to second guess oneself...not to judge oneself too harshly for perceived past mistakes, lapses in judgement, failures of character...lack of perseverance in the face of challenge or hardship.

we need to be gentle with one another and with ourselves...to expect the best and hope for the best and realize that we are not really in control...of much, even of ourselves at times....

life is nothing if not totally humbling. it is good to feel humble.

hands...

*picture borrowed from a favorite blog (Circling my Head)


i wanna hold your ha-a-a-nd; i wanna hold your hand!